Any idea about love formed beforehand on the preconceived opinion based on all our failures in love life is not helpful. That’s why, I never enter into a new relationship with an idea of love. Every time I did it, I let my heart be guided with personal beliefs or judgments that I created in my previous relationship without any stable proof or certainty. That’s why it so hard.
Assumption is a Mother of All Mistakes ~Eugene Lewis
An Idea of Love
When I was a child, my mother used to say that love is all about giving without asking anything in return. I interpreted her words in a slightly wrong way, so I spared all my pocket money on lollipops for my crushes. I didn’t ask anything in return as I was following my mother’s advice. She went mad when she found out about my “humanitarian” work and canceled my weekly pocket money saying, “Now you should ask your boyfriends to buy you snacks”. I was so sad. I took her words literally and I was punished for my good deeds. From that point on, I never ever toook anything for granted.
Idealization
Never idealize your partner for fear of being with only a human. Don’t shape your romantic fates through your behavior by being supportive and critical at the same time. You will be left disappointed. How could this be? Because we were always told that common wisdom- that we should be exclusively realistic in our relationship, and not look for Prince Charming on a white horse or Knight in Shining Armor who comes to our rescue. Remember you are not a Maiden imprisoned in a castle tower who needs rescuing. You are only someone who needs love. Simple as that. The more we idealize a relationship or our partner the more we get disappointed.
In Love With An Idea
When I finally got the courage to recapitulate the course of events in my relationships, I found out that I was more often in love with an idea of love than with my partner. If I loved him, everything he did was just fine. I would always find justifications for every mistake he made. He was sweet, lovely, supportive and caring even though he ridiculed my family customs and said that we all look like ‘The Simpsons’. At that time, I was so stupid and so in love that I took that as a compliment.
Passion
Many of us have that young intense and impassioned form of love. You know, the one where it hurt so much emotionally when you’re apart, when you hang on every word they say, when hours spent together look like minutes, where you can’t stop hugging each other. For many, this type of love is experienced when we are relatively young before our experience turns into broken hearts. It’s when you love wholly, when you are infatuated and seeing each other every day. For some, this love luckily turns into marriage. In my experience (both personal and with my patients), this is uncommon and exceptional, but for a lucky few they are able to keep their partners for a lifetime.
For “unlucky” ones the worst thing we can do is to dwell on that idea of perfect high-school love and bring it with oneself in every new relationship. If it doesn’t fit in our expectations we get hurt, downhearted and upset. So, never ever bring your past with you wherever you go!
